Let’s be honest: I’m not the best in front of a camera. Not that I’m super awkward or anything, but I’m not hilarious. I’m not a “personality,” as they call it. I might be, but my past has crafted me the way it has, and I’m okay with that.
Do I wish I was an irresistible personality? Yes. Duh. Because then I would be (to at least a degree) internet-popular and people might actually listen to me.
That’s really all I want, that’s why I have this vlog/blog. I have thoughts I want to share, I want to connect with people, I want to help them in their life journey of pain and fun and yuck and yikes and yay’s. I want people to say “me too!” and to say they were blessed and to be encouraged, inspired even.
I don’t want to be popular for the sake of it; that wouldn’t be good for my (cough) humility. However, I do want it because then I would have an impact. I want to know I’m making a difference. I want to be a part of something bigger than me.
My husband is a realist. In October when I tell him this dream, of all the encouraging and inspiring I want to do and so I’m going to start a vlog to… he is gentle, but he says he thinks I will be disappointed. I tell him I think he needs to dream more.
But he was right, in a way. It’s only been a few months, but my video views have gone down, not up. If I am making an impact, it’s small (at least in my human eyes). I have yet to create a connection with anyone outside my friends and family. I have tried to network on Youtube and Blogger and seeing no results, stopped. Yes, I could’ve kept trying, and I might have seen some fruit. Instead, I decided that my content wasn’t as great as I thought it was. I somehow needed to become better, maybe funnier, maybe bubblier, maybe …
I’ve always known the “if you make it, people will come” is baloney, because (for one) the internet is humongous. There are millions of people online watching people far more entertaining or smart or interesting than me. There are millions of people reading blogs more coherent, transparent and beautiful than mine.
I’m okay with that.
I just wanted a little, tiny slice, you know? I don’t want to be “famous.” But I had a dream, and it was bigger than my reality. I’m not saying that dream won’t ever happen, only that I’m coming to terms with the fact that sometimes dreaming big isn’t such a great thing, because it causes us to be less content with the so-called “small” impact that we might be making.
For a time I was ready to give up on the whole idea, because everything was on such a small scale. This is why my big dream is dangerous. I need to stay true to what I said in the beginning: if even one person is blessed by something i say or write, then it’s worth. It may not be worth me spending countless hours on it (which I don’t obviously), but it’s still worth writing and yes, even sitting in front of the camera feeling a little silly.
Wouldn’t it be nice, I think, if I made a parody of a hit song, and it went viral, and I got a bunch of followers?
I think things like that, and feel silly. I don’t want to fall into the trap of basing my creativity’s value off of how many people see it or say they liked it. Please no. I want to create because God created me to create, to do it for him, and because I enjoy it, and because I want to share, and then be grateful when one person likes it, because that’s over and above the reason I did it for.
This post is a bit lengthy. I had a lot on my mind. Thank you so much if you’re still reading. I appreciate you. Oh, and one more thing:
If you ever do see me making a parody on Youtube, it will be because I wanted to, not because I think it will magically make me famous. If we’re settled on that, then I’m over and out.